Barney: Mom, who’s my dad? All the other kids at...

Barney: Mom, who’s my dad? All the other kids at school know who their dad is. Who’s mine?

Loretta: Oh, I don’t know……That guy! *pointing at Bob Barker on the TV*

—-

The coach: I’m sorry but your son can’t be on the team. He’s terrible. *talking to Loretta*

Barney: What’d Coach say, Ma?

Loretta: He said you’re simply too good to be on the team. It’s not fair to the other boys. But that’s okay. We can just play together in the backyard.

—-

Barney: Why didn’t anyone come?

Loretta: Oh, you know what, Dear? Apparently there was a mix-up with the mail. I just got this letter from the Postmaster General.

Barney: *reading the letter* “Dear Barney, I sincerely apologize about losing all the invitations you sent out to your 8^th birthday party. That’s why none of your classmates showed up. Not because you threw up when they turned the lights off at the Planetarium. No one even noticed that. Also, Janey Masterson’s mother is a whore, and with gin on her breath at 10 in the morning, she’s got some nerve kicking us out the carpool. Love, Postmaster General.”